Double Life

Delaqroux Inc Updates.

Why do i have "John Smith" as my username on Facebook? Well, the truth isjust as i have explained beforehand, it was just out of curiosity on whether is it possible to have your name changed on facebook. Couldnt think of anything else to replace my current username so i put in John Smith. Turned out that it is possible and i am just lazy to change it back to my previous one. The figuratively-speaking kind of answer is that John Smith have almost the same implication as John Doe, someone of the male gender who's true identity is unknown both to the public and sometimes even to himself. So yeah, I am John Smith, i live a lot of different lives, and in some points in time, i have no idea who i actually am.

There's many version of my life and just thinking about it make my heart pound in a very uncomfortable way and my gut feeling like going inside-out. When the thought comes, normally i take a deep breath and try to think of something else. But at times, it just comes so fast that i immediately force myself to immediately terminate those thoughts. And trust me; at first it feels uncomfortable, shifting a thought so fast. Later on, it hurts, literally. And again, trust me; writing this down is really painful. And what hurts the most is when i cant let everyone know what kind of multiple lives i'm having and i dont even have a standardized lie - there was never one.

I like exploring different things in life, go to places people never even dreamed off, love things that other claims forbidden and think of things in ways that others dont. And to sum it up, things that i do, did, love, hate, believe etc. normally does not go along well with the society's mainstream of cynical and not to mention, not-that-supportive thoughts. So when it comes to a simple question like "what are you planning to do tomorrow" or "what are you up to", i cant give out an honest answer. If i tell you "i dont know", chances are that i am lying to you and i'm truly sorry for that but i simply cant tell you the truth.

They say that a lie lead to another and the chain goes on and on. But for my case, as much as i wish to break it off, i cant. The chain of lies been protecting me. Tried breaking it off a couple of times before and letting the real me breathe real air for once. As a result, I had me under some stupid counselling session for some bizarro reason and in one case, the left side of my forehead bleeding and in another, almost had a family torn apart in front of me (and the family wasnt even mine - that's the worst part). Oh, and speaking of tearing families apart - one hidden life of mine will break another family apart if i let the truth exposed. Scary isnt it? So if you had experienced what i have, you might be conditioned to keep the lies flowing on and on. It's like putting a real ugly mask on your face to protect an even uglier face and soon you start to forget how you actually look like under the mask and at some point, you find it suffocating you.

Hiding it suffocates you. But denying it impales you. Just recently, i have been laughing and joking around alot. Mainly coz i have to interact with people around and i simply cant have them see the real me. It was nice to force yourself to forget your own problems every now and then and laugh like you have no care in the world. I dont deny that it makes me happy and keeps me alive for another day. But now that i am here in my room again, i'm back to square one with those problem in my head and those laughters i had seems super far away. Maybe i'll try and meet and interact with people again tomorrow. Dont think having a couple more days of denial will hurt. Well, at least, dont think it will hurt that bad.

So, yeah, here i am.
Yours untruthfully